Why I never signed the ThatchCard

Here's the latest discovery from my continuing office removal. I can't remember where it came from, but it was probably a gift from Lord Gnome of Private Eye.

Note that I never actually signed it - for the obvious reason that my interest in analysing political speeches meant that I'd have welcomed the chance of meeting her in her prime, for research purposes, you understand - and this far outweighed any sympathy I might have had for the message being purveyed by the ThatchCard's publisher.

What if?

Moving my office from one room to another has forced me to venture back into ancient files and make daily decisions about what to throw out and what to keep.

I'd forgotten that I still had this letter from the then secretary of the Yorkshire County Cricket Club inviting me to some Schoolboys' coaching sessions at Headingley. The deal was that, if they thought you were any good, you'd become a 'Yorkshire Colt', which meant that the YCCC would pay for your bus fare when you came for further coaching sessions. In short, we all knew that this could be the first step towards our sporting dream.


Coaches and autographs
When we got there, we had to line up and take it in turns to bat and bowl in the nets, closely watched by the two grumpy looking county coaches of the day, Arthur Mitchell and Maurice Leyland. Every now and then, one or other of them would growl "Next", which was, as far as I remember, the sum total of the 'coaching' any of us received.

Meanwhile, various current and former county players would wander around inspecting the 'talent'. They looked just as grumpy as Mitchell and Leyland, but their presence did at least give us the chance to collect a few autographs. Len Hutton's was the most impressive one I got, but I do remember being quite disappointed that he signed my book 'Leonard Hutton' - if only he'd read Wikipedia, he'd surely have known that he was 'commonly named Len Hutton'.

You'll have gathered, of course, that although I did manage to reach the Headingley schoolboy nets two years running, I didn't pass the Mitchell-Leyland test. So it's all their fault that I had to find something else to do when I grew up.

If only
Thirty years later, on discovering I might need reading glasses, I went for my first ever eye test - which also revealed that I had slight astigmatism. "Is that also age-related?" I asked, to which the optician replied "No, you'll have had it all your life."

Realising that, if only I'd had the right specs in 1955, I might have made it back to Headingley on a full-time basis. I was initially overwhelmed by depression, wondering what on earth I was doing in Oxford when I could/should have been coming to the end of a glorious career playing for Yorkshire. But then it dawned on me that there was quite a big silver lining after all.

The silver lining
Given my age and the fact that one of my specialisms was as an opening batsman, my dream coming true would also have condemned me to years of having to go in to bat as (junior/younger) partner to Geoffrey Boycott (who did have the right specs).

Compared with him, I suspect, even other academics were not only much more congenial as colleagues, but they also liberated me from a career that would have been plagued by the daily fears and frustrations of being run out.

Using video in a presentation: 7 steps to success

Over the last few days, I came across a couple of things that have prompted this post. The first was that I found myself giving a few tips to a Twitter follower on how to use video in a presentation.

The second was reading an interesting post by Lily Latridis on the Fearless Delivery blog , entitled Video in a Presentation can be a Big Mistake. At first sight, the title got me worried - as I hardly ever give a talk without using video clips to illustrate key points about public speaking and presentation.

It also reminded me that, when I first started using videos, we were still using Betamax rather than VHS - since when I've used them in hundreds, if not thousands, of presentations. What's more, I'm fairly sure that it hasn't been 'a Big Mistake' - unless feedback, course evaluations and repeat bookings are a completely misleading guide to audience reactions.

Fortunately, my initial sense of dread on seeing the title disappeared as soon as I'd read the post (HERE), as it turned out that the types of video Lily Latridis was warning against and the purpose for which they were being used were both very different from the the short clips used my own presentations (which mainly consist of 10 second excerpts from speeches illustrating different rhetorical techniques).

In fact, I found myself agreeing with pretty much everything Lily Latridis had to say about the types of videos she was talking about - and suspect that she might well agree with something I wrote about the use of videos in the section on different types of visual aids in my book Lend Me Your Ears (pp. 117-174):

'When using video, it's usually best to keep the clips short and the 30 second television commercial is a useful guide to optimal length. If you play longer clips, the danger is that the audience will start to feel that they're at a film show rather than a presentation. Once that happens, you may well find yourself losing the impetus, and have problems getting them back into the mood for listening to a talk. And, if it was a lively well-produced piece of video, there's the added risk of coming across as dull and amateurish compared with what they've just been watching' (LMYE, p. 152).

In retrospect, I realise that I could (and probably should) have included more practical advice on how to use video in presentations. So here, with thanks to Lily Latridis and my other Twitter contact for inspiring this postscript, are some tips from my own experience of discovering that video doesn't always have to be a big mistake.

SEVEN STEPS TO SUCCESS

1. Select clear examples
Many of the illustrations in scientific and medical text books are selected from hundreds of pictures in order to give the clearest possible example of whatever it is that's being described. The same principle should also be used in selecting video clips, as your audience has to be able to see/hear what you've told them to look out for instantly and at a glance (and without prompting doubt or irrelevant questions).

2. Use more than one clip to illustrate the same point
If you're making a point about the regularity with which speakers use a particular technique, you need to show more than one example of the same thing in action. By the time they've seen a third one, they'll have got the point, and you don't need four, five or six to convince them.

3. Think twice about who and what to include
When I first started teaching how to use rhetoric, I quickly discovered that, however effective an orator may have been, there were certain politicians and public figures who aroused such strong political reactions (e.g. Hitler, Ian Paisley, Arthur Scargill, Tony Benn, etc.) that their inclusion distracted audiences away from whatever technical point I was making.

So, whilst I still think it's important to show that the same techniques work in the same way irrespective of the party represented by a speaker, I've found it necessary to exclude certain speakers from my demo tapes over the years.

A related lesson I learnt very early on was to concentrate on showing clips by effective speakers and to make minimal use of ineffective ones. Hopeless speakers may demonstrate how not to do it, but the trouble is that what was boring in the first place is no less boring for the audience you're inflicting it on in the second place via a video.

4. Blank the screen out between each video clip
One of the (many) advantages that Betamax had over VHS was that, when you pressed the 'Stop' button, it stopped exactly where you stopped it and the screen blanked out until you pressed 'Start', when it carried on with the next clip you wanted to play. But do that with a VHS machine, and the tape would back up and, on pressing 'Play', you'd get a replay of part of the previous clip - which was, to say the least, extremely annoying and distracting (both to me and my audiences).

As the market forced us to use VHS, my initial solution was to press the 'Pause' button and then release it when I was ready to play the next example. The trouble was that having a still picture up on the screen while introducing the next one was a needless distraction for the audience. So I started to insert a few seconds of darkness on each demo-tape to encourage the audience's attention away from the screen and back to me until I was ready to 'un-pause' it and show the next exhibit.

Now that we have to use DVD players or laptops, I still make sure that the screen goes blank between each clip, as is illustrated in the following video from last year's UK Speechwriters' Guild Annual Conference (you can also see the notes of what I said each time the screen went blank HERE):



5. To embed or to edit?
As regular readers of this blog will know, I often include video clips to illustrate points being made in a particular post. The easiest way to do this is to 'embed' videos from YouTube or some other website. But the trouble with this is that the originals are often far too long and/or there's only a short excerpt from it that I want to comment on.

So you either have to tell readers how far to scroll in to see the point of interest (which I find quite annoying when looking at other blogs) or you can edit out everything else and produce a shorter clip of the relevant sequence.

The tips I found myself giving via Twitter the other day started by responding to someone who wanted to use video in a presentation and had tweeted a question asking if you can extract video from a DVD on to a Mac, to which I replied "Yes, I do it all the time but can't explain how in 140 characters."

As others have also asked me where I get clips from and how I edit them, it might be useful to outline how to go about it.

6. Where do you get videos from?
Thirty years ago, we had to record from live television - which produced very long video tapes and extremely time-consuming editing of short clips on to a demo-tape (using two VCRs). Today, we can either do the same by recording directly on to DVDs or select from the thousands of videos on the internet.

If you have a Mac, you'll be equipped with iMovie which, compared with Windows video-editing programs like Pinnacle, is far more reliable and much easier to use. Once you've edited a video, you can instantly convert it into whatever format you need (e.g. high quality DVD or lower quality for the web or email).

7. Useful software
If you want to copy movies from a DVD to your computer, you'll need a program like HandBrake that enables you to rip a DVD into QuickTime or other format that can be handled by iMovie.

If you've downloaded an FLV movie (e.g. from YouTube), Emicsoft FLV converter will convert it into an MP3 or other format that you can import into iMovie.

And anyone who thinks that this sounds like rather a long-winded process should remember that in the pre-digital age it could take anything up to two whole weeks to produce a half-decent demonstration tape.

Today I can create a new one from scratch in an hour or less - unless, of course, I need to fast-wind my way through hundreds of hours of videotapes before converting a long-lost clip to DVD before even being able to begin on the steps outlined above.

Doomed Dictator Twitter Challenge: the sound bite winners

The original announcement of the Defend a doomed dictator speechwriting competition prompted so much activity on Twitter that it called for the creation of an additional award:

The Twitter Challenge: Since news of the competition was first posted, there have been a number of imaginative tweets of sound bites from such a speech. I've therefore decided to create a special class for 140 character Twitter entries (for which the 1st prize will be a signed copy of the shortest book I've ever written).

The quantity and quality of the entries have in turn prompted me to divide this part of the competition into two divisions, with prizes to both the winners as follows:

(1) Prize for prolific parody: Charles Crawford (@charlescrawford), whose entries included the following gems:

Mr Gaddafi. Tear down this umbrella!

I have a dream. I HAVE a dream. I have a DREAM. To get out of Libya with my umbrella and most of my limbs attached to my body

We will kill on the roads and in the fields. We'd kill in the hedgerows if we had any We'll never surrender. Until we run away

Friends, Libyans, Countrymen - lend me your fastest private jet. I'm out of here!" PS "Oh and another plane for the gold pl"

To run, or not to run - that is the Q. Whether tis better to take arms against a sea of protestors, or do the Benito Dangle.

Don't ask what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do to loot your country. Then grab swag and dash to Chavez's


(2) Prize for brevity: Carl Quilliam (@carlquilliam)

Gadaffi: 'I'll get my coat'

Thanks and congratulations to Messrs Crawford and Quilliam, who will both be receiving a signed copy of Speech-making & Presentation Made Easy: Seven Essential Steps to Success, as soon as they've supplied me with their snail-mail addresses.

(Judgement of the full speeches by doomed dictators is still in progress, but you can inspect all the entries HERE).

Doomed dictators speechwriting competition: the judges & the speeches

I'd like to record my sincere thanks to those who took the trouble to enter the Defend a Doomed Dictator Speechwriting Competition and whose efforts have resulted in seven more entries than I'd expected. Such was the quality that they deserve serious judgement.

So I'm delighted to announce that I'm also extremely grateful to three distinguished and experienced speechwriters for agreeing to act as adjudicators:

Danny Finkelstein is a Times columnist who was formerly Director of the Conservative Research Department and political adviser and speechwriter to William Hague when he was leader of the Conservative Pary

Olly Grender was the Director of Communications for the Liberal Democrats, before which she was speechwriter to Paddy Ashdown.

Phil Collins is a Times columnist and Visiting Fellow in the Department of Public Policy at Oxford, having previously worked in Downing Street as chief speechwriter to Tony Blair.

As they get down to their work, you might like to join in the deliberations and perhaps even predict the winner.

Where included, the titles submitted by the entrants have been included. And, in case you're surprised by some of their 'clients', don't forget that the rules did invite writers to compose a speech for 'the past or present dictator of your choice (0r one of his relations)'.


THE 7 SPEECHES:

Speech A: For Colonel Gadaffi (to be made at the start of the unrest):
42 years ago I led a glorious people's revolution which overthrew the corrupt enemy of Libya King Idris.

Today I am proud to see that the spirit of the people's revolution has been passed on to the younger generation.

I know why you, my fellow Libyans and revolutionaries are angry. I am but a man and I have made mistakes, mistakes and misjudgements which have led to the violence we see today, the same violence which is tearing our nation apart. I accept full responsibility for this. The fault is mine.

The people have spoken and I will respect their decision. I ask you only, from the bottom of my heart, for the chance to change. For the chance to change Libya to the nation you desire. For the chance to join with you in completing the people's revolution.

I denounce the rogue elements of the security forces that have disobeyed orders and attacked the people. Their commanders shall be tried by people's tribunals and punished accordingly.

I hereby draw a line under the past. I hereby request every city to choose representatives to attend a national congress to be held in Benghazi in 14 days. There I will listen to the demands of the people and submit myself to their will.

In the meantime, I urge you, my fellow countrymen, to end the bloodshed. Return to your homes and your jobs. The security forces will leave you in peace. Work together to clear the streets so that all can return to living without fear. Your demands will be met, but in the meantime let us stop any more blood from being shed, any more heads being broken and any more lives being lost.

I have heard you pleas as father of the people and I will work with all of you to build a new Libya of which we all can approve!


Speech B: What Saif Gaddafi might have said
Many Libyans have asked me to speak to you this evening.
I don't have a prepared paper, or a document to read from. I am not a spin-doctor. I will not speak in classical Arabic: I will speak in Libyan.

I’ll speak from my heart. And I will speak truly and frankly.

We all know that our region is passing through an earthquake, a hurricane of change. These storms are coming not from the leaders, but from you, the people.

Our people are angry. They - you - feel betrayed. They – you - demand a better life. They – you - have lost faith in the leaders.

Anger has led to protests, and protests have led to violence. Against the police and the army.

In Benghazi people wanted to storm the police stations and army bases, to try to seize weapons. Bayda is my town, my mother is from there. Extreme protesters there stole weapons and killed soldiers. Some of them want to establish an Islamic Emirate in Bayda. Naturally our security forces must resist this.

Tragically people have died, protesters and police and soldiers alike. Our fellow Libyans. Our brothers and sisters.

This is a national tragedy. I say prayers for all who have been lost in these clashes. The government will be making special money available, generous money, to help their families.

We all know one true thing. Libya is not Tunis or Egypt. Libya is different.

It has been a long road to come together to form our one nation. We had a civil war in 1936. It was American Oil Companies who played a big part in unifying Libya.

Surely we agree on one thing. We must not put our great achievements at risk.

If these protests continue and run out of control, our whole country could crash. A crazy scramble for our shared oil wealth would start. Who knows where it would go? We would slip back to 1936.

3/4s of our people live in the East in Benghazi. There is no oil there. What will happen to them? Who will invest in them? Your children will not go to schools or universities.

In recent years huge new investments have started. You can see them everywhere. New buildings. New schools. Our country is growing. We are using our oil money well. Jobs. Houses.

200 billion dollars of projects are now under way. If the country fights itself, what will get done? They won't be finished. Our shared wealth will blow away in the wind.

There will be chaos. Outsiders will move in to try to grab what they can. To manipulate the situation.

Not only Americans and big capitalists from Europe. Do you think they will accept an Islamic Emirate here, 30 minutes from Crete?

Europe and the West will not agree to chaos in Libya, to Libya exporting chaos and drugs. We will end up as a colony of Europe once again. Slaves in our own land!

Arab states too will dance with joy to see us fighting ourselves. Do we want that? Do we want to be weak and divided again? Libyans who live in Europe and USA, their children go to school. They are comfortable. They will be pleased to watch us kill ourselves, then come and rule Libya.

Tunisians and Egyptians who are here – they have weapons. They want to see us fight each other, then come in and divide Libya and take over the country.

What is happening in Bayda and Benghazi is truly terrible, sad. What if we end up divided once again? You who live in Benghazi, will you visit Tripoli with a visa? Our country will be divided! Like North and South Korea, we will see each other through a barbed wire fence. You will wait in line for months for a visa to see you brothers and sisters. Madness.

Imagine! Instead of crying over 200 deaths we will cry over 100,000 deaths. People will run from our beautiful country. There will be nothing here. No tourism. There will be no bread in Libya. Bread will be more expensive than gold.

We have to maintain national unity to avoid this disaster.

We have to maintain national unity to avoid this disaster.

Too much is at stake.

The protesters say “We want democracy and rights!”

Let’s talk about that. I am ready to talk.

I admit it. We should have talked about it before. We have spent too much time thinking about oil and money, and not enough time thinking about people, about what’s right.

I am ready to talk. I am ready to meet leaders of the protesters. I guarantee their safety.

We can ask our friends in other countries or at the UN to agree the rules for meeting safely and in peace.

I am ready to talk about new media laws.

I am ready to talk about civil rights, for an end to stupid punishments.

I am ready to talk about a new constitution. I am ready to talk about autonomous rule, with limited central government powers. Brothers and sisters, there are 200 billion dollars of projects at stake right now. Let’s not throw our own future into the dust and hit it with our shoes!

I am ready to talk about a new Libya, a new flag, a new anthem.

Brothers and sisters! We have two choices.

We can start to talk now. We can step back from the brink.

Or we can leap into a burning cave and die.

I am ready to talk. But I will not talk under threats. I can’t talk to screaming mobs.

Please understand my words. The Army and National Guard are loyal to Libya. They love their country. They love the people.

They will defend this country. They will not let it be divided. 60 years ago they defended Libya from the colonialists, now they will defend it from senseless division.

Yes, thousands of people are protesting. But millions of Libyans want to live normally in a peaceful honourable country.

Let’s stop shouting and fighting. Let’s start to do things better.

We are rich in oil. Let’s be rich in democracy and peace too.


Speech C: A televised address to the nation by the First Lady of the Philippines, Imelda Marcos
"People of the Philippines, tonight I want to share with you a problem which has been troubling me for many years. As a child growing up in Manila and Leyte I was always obsessive about cleanliness. I always kept my bedroom tidy and liked to have clean clothes to wear every day. When I was crowned Miss Philippines I saw this as a reward for my commitment to cleanliness.

In recent years this obsession has got steadily worse. Now I cannot wear a pair of shoes for more than an hour or two before I think of them as unclean and not fit to be worn any longer. My dear husband and your great leader Ferdinand has always supported me through this terrible illness.

But we both need your help. We need your money to pay for a constant supply of new shoes. We are very grateful to you for the money you have so kindly donated so far and are touched to see so many people demonstrating in the streets demanding to be allowed to pay more. We have heard your message and hope that, now that you understand why we need the money, you will be even more generous. I now ask you to return to your homes and to your jobs so that you can earn the money we so desperately need.

We know that we can count on you, the people of the Philippines, to help us. We know that we will enjoy your continued support through this difficult time. Thank you, may God bless you and goodnight."


Speech D:
Friends, Libyans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears.

I come to bury Colonel Gadaffi, not to praise him.

I’m not going to read to you from a document.

But speak to you from the heart.

I’m not going to address you in classical Arabic.

But talk to you in Libyan.

Above all, I’m not going to hide from you.

I’m going to say it as it is.

And it may be a bit messy. But it’ll be me.

We now have a huge opportunity for change.

It’s an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

We’ve seen it happening in Egypt, in Tunisia…

…and now, here, in Libya.

Not change brought about by foreign governments.

Not change brought about by traitors.

But change brought about by us, the people.

And there are some who are trying to resist that change.

So I say to you very simply:

Go back to your constituencies – and prepare for government.


Speech E:
My dear friends. My people. I speak to you tonight, or yesterday if you have degenerate recording technology from Western running dogs, on an issue which I am passionate about, as you are if you know what is good for you. And your country. The issue is, of course, me. Your dear leader and protector.

In the past days, thugs and bandits, armed with deadly golf clubs and tennis balls savagely looted from the royal palace leisure centre and spa, have been causing mayhem in our streets. My loyal guards, protected only by our meagre force of seventy armoured personnel carriers and a mere twelve fighter jets, have had to take precious time from their lunch breaks to quell the riots.

Some of the violent protesters have deliberately run in front of our brave soldiers as they were firing their weapons harmlessly toward open ground. There have been some casualties, perhaps three or four and not the fifteen hundred claimed by the western media, controlled by those who would see our brave nation fall.

I say to you, my people, pay no heed to those who would speak of “freedom and democracy”. You have everything you need under my benevolent and gracious rule, and should you wish for more, make an appointment to see my personal team of advisors who will persuade you otherwise.

I am, of course, still fully in charge of the nation, and not, as my enemies have suggested, on board a private jet bound for Argentina. Pay no heed to wicked rumours propogated by socialist media such as Tweeter and Facebooking.

it is time for you all to rally behind your leader. I know what the nation needs at this dark time. Put down your rudimentary weapons and go back to work. Otherwise I, or rather you, stand to lose a great deal. Thank you . Long live me.

F: Mugabe's Last Stand

The West proclaim the winds of change blow through Africa once more.
They can't contain their pleasure.
Their smugness betrays them.
It clings to every word.

But these aren't the winds of change that blew in the past.
The winds which freed us from the bonds of slavery.
The winds which spared us from the blight of exploitation.
The winds which saved us from the suppression of our colonial masters.

These aren't winds founded on freedom or liberation.
These aren't winds at all.

These are fires.
Fires fuelled by exploitation.
Fires stoked by the resource thirsty tyrants of the West.
Fires lit to incinerate the fabric of our culture.

The West have learned that regime change doesn't work.
Afghanistan and Iraq have failed.
They have failed for two reasons.
Their cultures, like ours, are unsuited to democracy.
Their governments, unlike yours, are under Western control.

The West have learned that regime change doesn't work.
They are not prepared to risk it a third time.

Zimbabwe,
Believe me.
The West are not empowering a change of regime.
The West are implementing a change of policy.

A return to the policy of the past.
A return to the policy of exploitation.
A return to colonisation.

If controlling the government doesn't work,
become the government.

You are hearing whispers of a better future from people who are faceless.

You are not hearing firm declarations from the leaders of the future.
You are not hearing solid plans to deal with the problems of today.
You are not hearing robust proposals to pay off the debts of the past.

Why are there no leaders
no plans and
no money?

Because they don't exist.

The whisperers exist.
The rumour mongers exist.
Enemies always exist.

Waiting to exploit you,
your family,
and your future.

Whether we like it or not
this policy of African exploitation is a political fact.

So I ask you to take a moment,
take a deep breath,
and take a step back.

Take a step back from the future of their making.
So, together, we can march forward
to a future of our choosing.


G: (former) President Mubarak:

I am here today to speak to you
not as your President
but as a fellow Egyptian

I know you’re angry,
You’re frustrated
And you’re hungry for change

We’ve come a long way together
I’ve served you as your President for nearly 30 years
And I hope I have served you well

Now, as you line the streets
The world is watching

We have not had an easy journey together
Our struggles with our neighbours
And each other
have been difficult over the years
And now is no different

But we stand at a precipice
A turning point in history
And we must choose the right path
Or risk losing everything we have built together

I have heard your call for Democracy
And I accept it
The time has come for a new Egypt

An Egypt of strong citizens
Who will strengthen our nation
And build a new future for us all

But if I were to step down today
I would leave the nation in uncertainty
With terrorists,
foreign governments
and other enemies of Egypt
looking to use this chaos
to undermine and attack
the principles of freedom and democracy
that we all seek

I know I should have done more before today
But I ask you now
To let me stand with you
And deliver the change that we so desperately need

I can announce today that I will be appointing a reforming cabinet immediately
Who will set a timetable for an urgent election

And once an orderly transition is in place over the coming days
I will step down
and allow the Prime Minister to oversee new, free and fair elections
to deliver the hope of a new Egypt,
and fulfil the promise of this new generation!

So I ask you all
return to your jobs, your homes and your families
and together we will start a new chapter in our history

May the peace and mercy and blessings of Allah be upon us all.